That's Right I'm Reading It!

I've decided that I need to read the influential works of literature that I have based opinions on without having read them first. I am on a journey, a quest really, of reading two major pieces of literature. One being Mein Kampf the autobiography of Hitler. I have wanted to read this ever since I studied the Holocaust in my first history class in college. I wanted so much to understand why such a hateful thing could happen and how such an awful ideal could be grasped in the worst way by such a large group of people. The world was listening to the man but not the heart... why, how and what made it move with the beat that it did?

I'm also reading the Origins of Species by Darwin. No, I'm not becoming an evolutionist. However, I do want to know what my true opinion on this topic really is. For years now I have been molded by other Christians to believe evolution largely brought about by Darwin is basically anti-Christian, anti-God and anti-everything I believe in currently. However, I myself and probably many others have not read the words written by the man himself. I want to know if my opinions about the theory are true, or logical. I want to be grounded in my thinking, but gloryifing to God alone. And so far in the introduction alone Darwin himself claims so many times his theories are partial, his observations many but prove little and missing links are everywhere. There should be no debate so far from what I've read because it's one man's opinion based on observation and thought alone.... sounds lacking of something major to me to begin with, nonetheless I'm reading through it anyhow.


Something I believe God gave me about teaching as a profession this week: Content comes with research, Experience comes in time, Greatness comes with practice but passion comes from the heart. Thank you Lord for such revelation!

How will I ever stay married?

I frequently know that my skills of being wifely are in dire need of being refined. I am unecessarily critical and hate my over emotional status as a PMSing woman. Having to share everything, leaving not much to do on my own is difficult. I wanted so badly to grocery shop and decorate the way -I- wanted because finally it is -my- life, not my parents. However, he feels the same way. How do we possibly combine lives when we both looked forward so much to being on our own. The disadvantage of moving from my parents house into an apartment with Jeff is nothing is ever singular for me. The same for him. Last night after arguing and being hurt for like the bazillionth time I thought to myself, "How will I ever make a good wife?" I am not wife material. I am selfish, controlling and incredibly fast paced in my tasks. It is not easy to slow down, be patient and let him make the decisions. I do, with most things, it's just occasionally I have my moments where I do not understand and he is so slow to respond I get impatient, irritated and beyond emotional for almost no reason. Will this end? Will I ever be a stable emotional wife? Will we ever communicate in a way that makes sense to both of us?

I don't know... but I know God is bigger than both of our down falls and when we lean solely on him instead of ourself we find a place of security, safety and peace.

Interesting People

As an employee who works for the public my Christianity can not be flamboyant or harsh in any way. My job is to serve... everyone. I can not take my beliefs, project them into my job and refuse to serve people whom I obviously would disagree with in life style choices. A man came to the library today wearing makeup, earrings, a head band and nail polish. His voice was deep and he had facial hair. Not to mention I went to high school with him. My heart sunk and immediately my thoughts became judgemental. How could I serve him? How could I allow myself to be in the presence of such wickedness? Right... geez as if Jesus never surrounded himself with people that every one else judged. What is wrong with me. I long to have a soft and gentle spirit and somehow I spew meanness. I am continuesly coming up short. So, I ask God to help. The man sits in our boat and plays on his phone. When he does come up to the desk I ask God for peace and to engage my service attitude. I help him and find myself unable to move past his make up. Why does he wear it, I wonder. Not all women wear make up. Then I wonder, why do I wear make up...

to cover up what I really look like.

Part Purity Seeker

There is a website, pluggedinonline.com . I truly recommend this site to anyone unsure if they want to see a movie. It is a focus on the family movie, tv, video game and music reviewer. They watch any movie you can think of in the theater and then review the language, the violence, sexual content, and even spiritual content. I've always wanted a really strict entertainment lifestyle but never had anyone encourage me into it. Jeff is very strict and wow do I love that about him. We have seen maybe 4 movies in the theater since we started dating; Bella, the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, Ratatouille, and Fireproof. 2 were Christian made and 2 were aimed for children.

There is a scripture in Duetronomy 21 that is interesting: 6 Then all the elders of the town nearest the body shall wash their hands over the heifer whose neck was broken in the valley, 7 and they shall declare: "Our hands did not shed this blood, nor did our eyes see it done. 8 Accept this atonement for your people Israel, whom you have redeemed, O LORD, and do not hold your people guilty of the blood of an innocent man." And the bloodshed will be atoned for.

They could say they weren't responsible because they hadn't seen anything. What we see we are responsible for. Therefore whatever you are looking at you are responsible to God for. I can't help but be convicted this isn't just seeing someone murdered, or someone else sinning, this is whatever you see. If you watch movies with sex in them you will be responsible to God for what you have seen. It isn't easy to leave these images out of your head. The enemy has with me at least, used these images to trouble, disturb and cause me to struggle. We make excuses about what we watch. We watch violence and call it relevant. We watch sex and call it art. We watch manipulation and greed and say that is just the world around us. While all may be true in some manner, are these true reasons of appreciation for the movie/show or is it our excuse to get by with a small insignificant amount of sin? God is a God of the heart. I'm not pushing my ideals out there saying everyone everywhere should stop seeing movies altogether. I am saying I have cut down my own movie and TV watching because I can see now the terrible things it puts inside of me. I can't watch TV without seeing a commerical with scantilly clad women making me feel fat and ugly. I can't watch movies without knowing that God's name will be taken in vain at least one or twice. I see that I have become so insensitive over the years and so hard to what God wants that it is difficult for me to see what I am pouring into myself through the entertainment industry. The industry is very sly about making things seem okay. When interviewed about their movie, RENT the actors said that people loved the movie because the things so difficult to discuss in life were easy to sing about, music makes talking easy.

I, for a long time, excused Broadway's vulgarity. I called it art, saying who cares what they are singing the music is amazing. I said it was fun, just music and playful talks. I said this until one day I was listening to Avenue Q and there is a song called the Internet is for Porn. I turned it off right away and got on my knees. I was so disgusted by what I had allowed myself to cross lines with that I repented of any and all plays Broadway or not that encouraged this kind of behavior. I realized that I had allowed myself to sing and laugh about a lot of sexual misconduct. I may sound a bit pilgrim-y, but maybe I need to, for my own relationship with Christ. I was in a devastingly horrible relationship for a long time that I endured emotional abuse on a level that I thought was normal or deserved at the least. While part of this relationship I gave in to many sexual ideals by either force or sheer exhaustion. It is taking years to get rid of it. I still feel as if I am dirited and damaged because of what has been seen and done during that time. I am grateful the Lord was not wrathful to me, but slow to anger and loving. He has loved me out of my love of Broadway and into my love of His purity. I so desire a pure life, a life that He smiles at. I am very grateful for the freedom Jesus has given me. I don't need to ever be a slave to sexual immorality ever again.

Teachers Make a Difference

I once heard a poet respond to man questioning him on his salary and what he "makes" say, "Teachers make a difference." I taught my last two lessons at Warren and I felt my energy deplete quickly in the morning. I wasn't my normal bubbly self, however the kids still got excited, still wanted learn and still laughed when I laughed and got quiet when I gave the infamous look. I hope I made a difference.


Today is a day off... invitations are sent, done and on their way to homes. I am going window shopping in a bit and I'm wearing a cute enough outfit to make me feel good. I'll be eating fruit salad for lunch and relaxing while looking for bridesmaids gifts. I may even take a stab at getting some home work done. Oh and I LOST 10 pounds total in the last two months!!!! YESSSSSS!!! Praise God!!!!

My life may not be perfect, my situations may still be difficult, I may still have plenty of tasks ahead of me to complete but still I see that God is good, peaceful, patient and loving. Bathing in God's love today has caused me to feel like a pampered bride. He is so good. Wow, what a God... I get to live today and rejoice just because God created me and created today!

Part Bride Too

When a girl dreams of her wedding day as a child she dreams of ribbons, bows, music, make up, a beautiful dress and the stop in your tracks moment of "OooOoOo, look at her." You never think of the family arguments, the watching what you say and how you say it, or even the invite her and him because he would be mad otherwise. The whole process is very sketchy and uneasy. Whoever said planning a wedding was fun? I've had many numerous people tell me to enjoy the journey. The journey has been anything but fun. There are fun points along the way, but all in all I never want to plan my own wedding ever again! Praise God it should only happen once.

I have said this before and I'll remind myself again... my wedding has nothing to do with me and everything to do with us. I am marrying the most incredible man of God I have ever met. He is brilliant. I've never met anyone so steadfast in his beliefs. I've never known anyone to be so gentle and caring about my heart. I never dreamed I would be marrying a pure man who loves God and tries so hard to remember to live a life of conviction and praise to the Lord. I could write on and on about Jeff, but I won't.

The difficulty is keeping myself a teacher when I need to teach, a worker when I need to work and a fiance when he needs me to listen. I never thought my life would involve so much activity. So, today I'm taking time to re-order a few things. I feel quite behind and I am in school work. I will catch up today. I'm re-organizing my room, my car and my school work. This morning though, I think I'm going to take a minute and stop by the library to pass out my invitations. :::sighs::::

I'm getting married.... wow

At the Library

I am a Children's Librarian Assistant. This just means I don't catalog or order books, and I don't have a master's or the pay of having a master's. It also means I get to work part time and not stress over being a supervisor over anyone. I love my job. I get to help plan storytimes, I get read every now again, I get to help people find books. It's so very satisfying when someone comes to the library and asks for a book with only a little memory of it. I once had a mother come to me and say, "My son loves a book, we've read it a hundred times but I have forgotten the title can you help?" I look excitedly and say, " Of course! What do you remember about the book?" She replies, "It has a mouse and he makes macaroni... that's all I can remember." With that very little to go on I begin searching by as many keywords I can think of. I then go to amazon.com and find as many ideas as I can. While in the midst she remembers bits more and I eventually find it using our good ol' friend google. It's really fun to pick a person's brain and search for something and then see them jump for joy and their face light up with grand delight as the book they so long searched for is now in the palms of their hands.What a great job!!

I'm also a Christian. I don't say that lightly, in fact, I don't think many people do. I am intentionally in my living out in the way I am convicted to based upon what Christ has done for me. I try to live gratefully, so often do I fall short. I recently found myself conflicted with ideals of Harry Potter. Okay, I know this stupid series has been mulled over by several hundred people and the debate has been out there for so long, but I just can't seem to find the right path on this. I work in the children's department of a library how can I not read them? I don't want to be so ignorant or bull headed that I don't become aware of the literature out there. However, I don't DON'T want to glorify magic or witchcraft in any way shape or form. How do I do my job to the best of my ability and not compromise in my convictions? How will be a good parent if I don't read first what my children want to read? How will I be a good teacher if I don't incorporate things children relate to? But how to stick to my morals and convictions all the whilst being "good" at everything I set out to do?

Ahh, the moral shakey ground on debate yet again. The world never stops turning.